Author Topic: Valleys of the Kings  (Read 497 times)

carusious

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Valleys of the Kings
« on: September 05, 2009, 12:21:54 PM »
                 Valleys of the Kings
My valleys not green, no carpets of fern
Or bluebells white snowdrops where chaffinches flirt
Missing are buttercups, daisies in rows
We traded them all for bare nesting for crows
It doesn’t have hills of golden fine sand
Its anthracite black and has pyramid mounds
Camouflaged meagerly, not chiseled, not round 
I named it Mount Slag Pile spawned underground
It’s higher than the sea gulls fly, blacker than a ravens dye
The only birds left are those dressed in black, if they wore white tuxes the Emperors would laugh
Jackdaws caw, crows in revolt, smite no more, now refrain
Tumbling slag, corrupt design, a tombstone collider an epitaph signed
Celtic cross nor Sphinx arise quarry crude lumps random size
Pile them high until they tilt, ahoy below speed your gait
Bulldozing them flat seeded with grass coniferous
jungles like mango tree traps
The silence is chilling until the mound groans
The raven dye sludge spewed down the mound tracks
The pyramid mound lay flat on the ground alas many souls will never be found.
The buckets rope stopped, maybe respect, more likely its Sunday when all the kings knelt

Jimmy Shaker

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Re: Valleys of the Kings
« Reply #1 on: September 08, 2009, 12:33:57 PM »
I’ve been mulling this over...I like the central image, I like the beginning (where have all the flowers gone?) and I like the end (kings kneeling to God is nice). It seems to me that in the middle however, things get a little bogged down, and some of the metaphors are heavy-handed – mango trees aren’t conifers (though they are evergreens), nor are they traps, particularly – mangos are mostly cultivated – maybe you meant mangrove? Also, I’m not sure of the time frame of this piece; bulldozers and buckets hauled up by rope seem to me to be of differing eras. All that said, I particularly like
Pile them high until they tilt, ahoy below speed your gait
and other lines which strike me as Romantic Age- Wordsworth, Coleridge and such, and the theme of mourning the desecration of the natural world by technology/development is apt in homage to that school of poetry.

JS

carusious

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Re: Valleys of the Kings
« Reply #2 on: September 09, 2009, 05:19:33 PM »
HI Jimmy
I really appreciated your response to my first attempt to put together a collection of  words in  poetic fashion albeit that I stumbled several times

The title could well have been How Green Was  My Valley, from that you will have guessed that I was referencing a Welsh Valley scarred by Coal tips which  covered the beautiful valleys of my childhood.

The Kings are the coal miners, The buckets were literally huge metal buckets that carried the waste by conveyor from the mine 24 hours a day and spread it over the mountain .

The only time the buckets stopped was when there was an accident in the mine,  usually fatal.

When the mines closed they literally spread the waste in a sort of landscaping fashion, seeded it with grass and planted conifer trees in a plantation format.


Thanks again for your generous response

Carusious