八角塔

[westcoast]

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八角塔

Ascending mountain pagoda on feathered wings
Crimson breasted robins sing

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To be..
 
The music of ice sheets shifting

A tectonic sea floor symphony

Time’s tip toe dancer along the rim of tinkling china tea cups

Jingling merriment within a pocket full of keys


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Opium

Fickle Blue Lotus
eats too many blue poppies
Tintin eats them, too

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[Jimmy Shaker]

Ascending mountain
pagoda on feathered wings
red breasted robins

if you want a "true" haiku (5-7-5, no rhyme), though feathered wings seems a little redundant.

To be.. is nice, but why the to be in the first line? All or nothing - I like the nothing idea better; let the title speak for the lines.

Opium is a haiku, but they don't have titles.

My apologies if I seem curt and/or nit-picking about these...wouldn't bother if I didn't like them...

JS

[westcoast]

Tx, Jimmy... few have the ability and inclination to offer genuine critique, so no problem...

I like your suggestion for "To Be" and have implemented it.

I don't follow rules re Haiku and shorter forms, I just write.  However, wrt what is assumed to be traditional style, your suggestions could apply.

The use of "feathered" wings is because prayers also ascend to the hilltop pagoda via metaphorical wings, but that is known in my head and the leap not necessarily made by the audience, so your tweak may sharpen the piece for a variety of readers.

Again, thank you for taking the thoughtful time -- much appreciated   

Janet