(Feedback welcome...I feel like something's missing, or maybe I try too hard with the satire...let me know what you think)
Money and I broke up today.
It was a relationship doomed to fail.
The romance began innocent enough,
I was young and ambitious and pretty broke
And she sauntered in with all the class of a hundred dollar bill.
I was flustered at first – why would money, who can have anyone she wants,
choose me? A poet, journalist, a renter no less. I didn’t even have any collateral.
She didn’t care.
She encircled her paper thin arms around me and whispered,
“Baby, I’m a hit, don’t give me that do goody good bullshit.”
We bonded immediately. We invested our time into each other. And by all accounts,
Our interest grew.
She inspired me to give her a few pet names. Lolly, moolah, hot bread, and her favourite,
Happy tits.
Even my friends were impressed with this great catch. Thing is, they all wanted a piece of her, heck, every guy did, so I had to keep money at home a lot, watching movies like Wall Street and Scarface.
And let me just say, the sex was affluent! She was into all these luxurious kinky games,
Like letting me slide a dividend into her-
This is tough to recall, so I’ll stop here.
These days, I only remember the insolvent bickering..
She always wanted to go out every night and spend herself on a new car,
Caviar,
Four star daydream…
And I was happy to just walk around the city, or go to free lectures,
Saving her until the weekend.
I tried to be a gentleman: I never threw her at a problem, or lost her when the recession tried to break us up.
But Money…she could be cruel.
She liked to inflate my ego, told me what a deliciously fiscal guy I was,
But then she left me with diminished returns,
shouting in public how deep in debt I was
Before I met her.
I’ll be honest, she had all the purchasing power in the relationship.
So Today, I broke up with her for two reasons:
I lost interest with this Money. We just weren’t on the same…
Currency.
And after some insider snooping, I found out she was counterfeit.
Trying to masquerade herself as a valuable commodity.
This whole time, she was a subprime mortgage delinquent,
Looking for her next mark.
I told her she just wasn’t the right legal tender for me,
And no, we couldn’t be in touch anymore,
And no, I wouldn’t keep her as a Facebook friend,
And no, I wouldn’t meet with her friend Ponzi for this
Weird three-way they were planning.
I should’ve listened to GK Chesteron, who wrote:
“To be clever enough to get all that money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
